I'm severely tempted to call in sick at work today. Things are not going my way.
It started before I even got out of bed. Sorta.
You know how sometimes, you'll have a fitful sleep and the sheets will be all bunched up around you and somehow, by the time morning rolls around you've found THE most comfortable position you've ever been in? And then your alarm goes off. Well, that was me at 8:45 this morning. I waited for a few seconds listening to my alarm, hoping it would turn itself off so I wouldn't have to leave the nest of pillows and blankets. Because you KNOW that once you leave the nest, there's no returning to that perfect spot. Finally, I gave in. I got as far out of bed as I had to in order to reach the snooze button and then returned as quickly as I could, in my half conscious state, to the nest of joy and wonder. Everything was going well as I fell back in: the blankets were still warm, the pillows were still in the right place, the sheets were still bunched up in such a way that they were welcoming in the middle...but as my face made its way back to the bed, something was different. I'd pulled the sheets just enough out of place on my way OUT of bed to turn off the alarm, that as I returned, the elastic part of the fitted sheet on the corner of the mattress was barely hanging on...and my face resting near that very corner of the mattress was just enough to pull it off....and that's how I woke up this morning, by being smacked in the face by an elastic band. I took that as a sign to get out of bed.
Jessie woke up around the same time I did (that MIGHT have had something to do with the fact that I'd left the alarm going for so long...sorry Jess) and instead of being mad (as would have been perfectly reasonable) she suggested we make toast and coffee and watch tv in our pajamas until we had to get ready for work...neither of us work until afternoon today. I thought this was a great idea and (after I re-created how my bed had kicked me out a few minutes earlier) I took it upon myself to start the coffee.
I did everything right. I ground the beans, I put the filter in the coffee maker, filled it with water and turned it on. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realized I'd forgotten to put the coffee IN the coffee maker.
Awesome. I had some vaguely coffee-flavored hot water.
Do it again McGranaghan.
Oh yeah, and THEN, I got out the toaster and as I was setting it down on the counter I knocked over one of Jessie's favorite wine glasses and it shattered in the sink.
Now, I am FULLY aware that I excel finding myself in awkward situations...I would like to reference the Karaoke incident a few weeks ago, and the old man and the questionable photographs he wanted me to look at a few days ago, and (let's be honest) a lifetime of being perpetually flustered or giggling at inopportune moments (remember how you used to razz me about that, Andy?) but COME ON. I can't catch a break. It's not just that I'm physically clumsy and careless (though that accounts for the wine glass breaking and possibly even the elastic band in the face this morning) or that I'm forgetful and absentminded (though that covers the coffee making incident) but uncontrollably awkward moments just HAPPEN to me, without my instigating them.
I'm considering becoming a cloistered nun. A customer at work decided to tell me all about them yesterday. It makes sense, really...to hole yourself up all the time and just pray. I mean...what harm could I do there? I wouldn't even be able to speak to my fellow nuns due to the whole vow of silence thing. Of course, I wouldn't be able to continue my work as an international spy, but the ratio of awkward to non-awkward moments would significantly drop...I should hope.